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Jan 02, 2015
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Wheelchair Man
As I ride
I want to take you
to the far side
though me and you
stayed in the same place
looking for my fortune
let me grew out of touch
aint flashed a smile
for a long while
to concerned of how
I gonna provide for my family
my thoughts takes me back
of who can I trust in this cold world
as I roll I grew of a strong will
rolling uphill I battle on
even though it’s a long month
I tag along
it’s the last day now
it shouldn’t be long now
before I can smiles
on my wife and three girls faces
payday is here
my baby girl tug at me with a smile
with the sight of luxury
makes me wish the moment
can stay a little while
tomorrow is back to normal
back at work so stiff and formal…
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
phattmatt
10 years 5 months ago
just experimenting idea
just experimenting idea
BettyBuff
10 years 5 months ago
Interesting
Hi Phattman!
Now, as most poets on here will tell you I'm totally experimental and into verse libre (free verse) big style!
However, before you break rules, you need to know what they are!
Free form relies very heavily on lexis (vocabulary) and imagery...also breaking up the lines at points where punctuation could of taken place....firstly for emphasis and secondly to give the reader a break in understanding!
I don't believe in re-writing others work...because frankly, it wouldn't be your baby anymore would it? I do feel it needs to extend it's theme a little, shape the lines for emphasis and power in language and make your mind up whether you are going to write colloquially or in standard english...mixing it up is jarring, or was that the effect you were trying to achieve?
Bravo for being experimental! Look forward to reading more of your work.
Ellie
wesley snow
10 years 5 months ago
I agree with Ellie.
There is too much "string of consciousness" and not enough form to make it easily understood. The thoughts jump from one to another too fast for me, but this may have been your intention.
Viva the experiment.
Barbara Writes
10 years 5 months ago
Good try
I like where your theme is going but reading was like kinda hard to follow as it jump from one lovely moment to the next too quickly.
The critique from Ellie and Wesley is really good. At the end of the day it's your work.
judyanne
10 years 5 months ago
hello phattmatt
i think this is great – it just needs breaking into stanzas in order to make it clearer
here is one suggestion
and i have placed a few offered edits for some of the lines
i like your unique voice, and don’t wish to correct all of your grammar – apart from the lines i have pointed out, i think it sits really well as it is
As I ride
I want to take you
to the far side
though me and you (‘you and I’ is better grammar)
stayed in the same place
looking for my fortune
let me grew out of touch (‘caused me to grow out of touch’?
aint flashed a smile
for a long while
to concerned of how (‘too’)
I gonna provide for my family
my thoughts takes me back (take)
of who can I trust in this cold world (maybe drop the ‘of’)
as I roll I grew of a strong will
rolling uphill I battle on
even though it’s a long month
I tag along
it’s the last day now
it shouldn’t be long now
before I can smiles (smile)
on my wife and three girls faces
payday is here
my baby girl tug at me with a smile
with the sight of luxury
makes me wish the moment
can stay a little while
tomorrow is back to normal
back at work so stiff and formal…
hope this is of help
i really like this
love judy
xxx