Neopoet Random Challenge 2

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When am old I will laugh

When am old I will laugh
I will laugh and laugh like a baby
With my dark brown scanty teeth
With my wife and children

I will build a house
Of trees and gardens
Where I can seat and embrace nature
And drink with my forefathers in anticipation.

When am old I will laugh
At every little thing whether good or silly
With my wrapper and chewing stick
Snuff on my wooden bench
Every morning, and evening.

The young ones I will laugh
The truth I will tell them
Though they may not see
Just like way the day is far from night.

When am old
I will laugh
Sing
Till when it's time.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Nigeria , Abuja, NGA

Favorite Poets: John Donne, Williams Wordsworth, Wole Soyinka, Sola Owonibi, Jared Angira, Langston Hughes, P.O.C Umeh, Sir. Walter Raleigh

Comments

Chiori

4 years 2 months ago

This how my old age will be

Geezer

4 years 2 months ago

Try this...

Where I can [sit] and embrace nature.

[With] the young ones, I will laugh.

Just a couple of little things to make this piece a little smoother.
I like the simple way that you expressed the desire to laugh and forget
the struggles of life. We all have those dreams of when we are old and no longer
have to work at keeping the everyday worries at bay. Nice stuff! ~ Geez.
.

Simon

4 years 2 months ago

In africa

Old man especially like chewing a stick and also behave silly nice one good luck with that.

lovedly

4 years 2 months ago

if YOU DON'T LAUGH HERE

when you are not yet old
no ancestors will you find
to laugh with
so be silly and laugh here only
thinking that I am also an ancestor
to thee
chiori
I am Loved
once by thee
lol