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When the grim reaper came calling...
tried to clamp irons videre licet
while hands held behind me back,
and yanked me along to perdition
I thrashed like the dickens to be exact
not budging nor conceding an inch,
no matter the dark hooded cloak
notoriously wielding a scythe
drove the hardest of any bargain,
id est impossible mission
to escape the clutches
of Hel, Thanatos, La Muerte,
Psychopomp, Shinigami,
also known as the personification of death
that haunted folklore and literature
since death damned
conscious beings since birth
condemned Homo sapiens -
the arbiter of life cursed us thinking beasts
with the inability to escape the dead zone
along with other creatures wise and wonderful
plus lettuce not forget
flora and fauna great and small
housed the seeds of their demise
from the moment of conception
wrought the zygote
(a diploid cell resulting
from the fusion
of two haploid gametes;
a fertilized ovum),
whereat the hills became alive
to the sound of music
inherently known to mortals,
which preordained contract,
no Beatle brained mortal
could escape nor contrive
to outwit even being a traveling Wilbury
moving figurative or literal wings
at the speed of sound at sixty five
so go out and enjoy yourself
courtesy Jimmy who doth jive
and the reason this theme
linkedin with individual demise
arose because a voice message got left
by a representative of a specie representing
the Cremation Society of America
no matter one believes themself
to be immune to their final countdown
when last inhalation
and exhalation expended no matter
they souped up their engine
(analogous to train body electric
on par to that of an Olympic athlete),
and shun so called vices that overdrive
temptation and implore
the divine creator in vain
or try to outsmart
the exquisite craftsmanship
of the biological clock
by donning a denominational frock
or freezing lovely bones
(cue suspended animation of altered state)
frozen like a human popsicle
within an immense iceblock
and thawed out millenniums
back to the future
when "A riddle qua
why must we mourn
suffer the loss of loved ones
or owning foreknowledge
that we ourselves must die
after being administered
sealed within the deoxyribonucleic
and inheriting genes and chromosomes
stamped with an expiration date
upon immediately exiting the womb
unless being aborted naturally
a transient resident
being deported under lock
and key, our precious miracle
wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma"
essentially constituting
secret mystery of eternity,
when timepieces strike
a surprisingly, paralyzingly,
and agonizingly announce
ofttimes without previous minute detail
asper the o'clock,
when rigor mortis sets in,
and corporeal entity
becomes hard as a rock
that doth no longer roll
until some unknown factors identified
to keep option opened,
and escape the fickle finger of fate
ineluctably coded within parturition
some believe sprung
from immaculate conception
indebted to forces that wrought
propensity to reproduce and birth
a helpless baby ill equipped to survive
without milk of human kindness
which nowadays presents severe dearth
only some day to perish from this earth
after spending approximately nine months
within an expanding girth
allotted private suite
with all the comforts of home
including an incubating hearth
ideally welcomed into the
webbed, wide world with mirth
lovingly nurtured to acquire self worth
only to be tossed in with the compost
since I cannot afford to live,
nor pay the cost reduced to cremains,
which charge would automatically
get assigned to eldest daughter.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: tis human to imagine the next frontier forcing cogs and wheels analogous to mental gear to avoid ruminating about this sensate no longer here on this planet earth, which exit stage door left doth not scare.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
1 month 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem ambitiously tackles the universal and profound theme of mortality, weaving together mythological references, scientific terminology, and cultural allusions. The breadth of imagery—from the grim reaper’s scythe to DNA’s “expiration date”—creates a dense tapestry that reflects the inevitability and complexity of death.
The poem’s strength lies in its rich intertextuality and the way it juxtaposes the mythical (Hel, Thanatos, Shinigami) with the biological (zygote, chromosomes), grounding abstract concepts in both cultural and scientific frameworks. This layering invites readers to consider death from multiple perspectives: spiritual, existential, and corporeal.
However, the poem’s sprawling structure and frequent shifts in tone and register can challenge reader engagement. The dense syntax, extended lines, and occasional insertion of parenthetical definitions (e.g., the zygote explanation) interrupt the poem’s flow and may detract from emotional immediacy. While the inclusion of scientific detail adds intellectual depth, it risks distancing readers if not integrated more seamlessly.
The poem’s voice oscillates between conversational and formal, sometimes veering into colloquial or playful language (“Beatle brained mortal,” “human popsicle”) that contrasts sharply with the weighty subject matter. This tonal fluctuation can be effective if intentional, but here it occasionally undermines the poem’s gravitas and coherence.
Consider tightening the poem’s structure to enhance clarity and rhythm. Breaking the text into stanzas with deliberate line breaks could help emphasize key images and ideas, allowing moments of reflection amid the complexity. Streamlining some of the denser passages and balancing the scientific and mythological elements might also improve accessibility without sacrificing depth.
The closing lines introduce a poignant social commentary on economic hardship and the cost of death, which grounds the poem’s metaphysical exploration in contemporary reality. This shift is powerful but might benefit from clearer integration with the preceding material to maximize impact.
Overall, the poem’s ambitious scope and rich imagery are compelling, but refining its structure, tone, and pacing could strengthen its emotional resonance and readability.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
1 month 3 weeks ago
I would say...
this particular ramble, felt like a trip down the annual mid-winter blues; "cabin fever"? Hey, good pep-talk there; it will pass as soon as you smell that green grass growing and the warm wind blowing... Yeah, my sis says let her take care of it, "like mom". Doesn't cost that much, if you go with some kind of plan... Who really cares about what I leave behind? Not me, I'm done with it. Anyway, Yep, I understand. ~ Geez.
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