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May 19, 2022
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When I saw her
When I saw her
from the corner
her striking eyes
pierced into my heart
and stop every beat
of my breathing and
left me open-mouthed
like a mere gambler
who just won jackpot
from series of loses
© Nyok Maker Mareng
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
3 years 1 month ago
greetings
I reckon I can forgive you for being a socialist lol. Now a few changes to improve the English here :
line 4 ; Change pierce to pierced
line 5: change stop to stopped
line 8: change merely to mere
last line try just after a series of losses.
The emotion here is strong just needs a bit of help. I can't imagine trying to write a poem in a language I was not born to
Candlewitch
3 years 1 month ago
hello,
Scribbler gives good advice. you can't go wrong following it.
*hugs, Cat
Candlewitch
3 years ago
hello,
who just won jackpot (who just won (a) jackpot
from series of loses (from (a) series of losses
try these changes
*hugs, Cat