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Jun 04, 2023
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WHEN WHITE WATERS WET ME
Oft times as I drive along
I top a middling hill
and spy where I think that I belong
Mountains tall and blue and still.
Less than an hour I could be there
Where narrow roads all wear switch backs.
Where I once roamed without a care
Where rivers churn from boulders' stacks.
Yes. I see them and they haunt me
with memories of a youth long passed
along with those who used to be.
I see now time passes far too fast.
Sometimes I'll drive to a high river
and park to just watch and listen
to shoals that make the cool air shiver
and waters make the stone shelves glisten.
I sit and wish for the past times
when friends and I would fish and wade
(years before I wrote rhymes)
while present memories were made.
I almost hear my fly line cast
and feel it pass through my aged fingers
or the weight of water moving fast.
Even the scent of laurels lingers.
Then the gentle tap of a trout's strike
and set of hook against the flow
then acrobatics that I like
and how even now those old fish grow.
But all of that's mere memory now
for the years caught up with me.
It happened unnoticed somehow.
Perhaps that's how it's supposed to be.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 years 1 month ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing your poem "WHEN WHITE WATERS WET ME". Your poem beautifully captures the nostalgia and longing for the past. The imagery of the mountains, rivers, and fish create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the length and structure of your stanzas. While the consistent length and rhyme scheme create a sense of rhythm, it can also make the poem feel repetitive. Experimenting with different stanza lengths and structures could add more depth and complexity to your poem.
Additionally, consider revisiting the line "Perhaps that's how its supposed to be." This line feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from more elaboration or reflection on the speaker's feelings about aging and the passage of time.
Overall, your poem effectively conveys a sense of wistfulness and nostalgia. Thank you for sharing your work.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
2 years 1 month ago
You know...
that I was right there with you!
I stood in that icy mountain stream and felt the gentle tug of water on my ankles,
whipping that line with the little bumblebee out to land gently in a pool of water
in the lee of a big boulder. Thank you for the invite.
Of course, I found just a couple of little things to fix, but as always, the tale told
was crystal clear.
Here is what I've found.
"I almost hear [the] flyline cast.
double [pass]
I would remove the [ess] from [laurel]
missing apostrophe in [it's]
I'm not too sure about removing the [ess] from laurel,
I don't know how the trees are referred to in your neck of the woods.
Nicely done, as usual. ~ Geez.
.
scribbler
2 years 1 month ago
Hi Gee
Always good to have you beside me even if only in imagination. I'll give your ideas some thought in inevitable edit
Lavender
2 years 1 month ago
When White Waters Wet Me
Hello, Stan,
Another gentle walk. This time, I actually sat among the fragrant laurels and listened to the cool rippling water. I'll disagree with AI about the final line - it holds a thoughtful acceptance and resolve. (You may want to think about changing "somehow" or "how" to a different word since they are so close together.) I am wondering about the title, though. Love the alliteration, but with the poem being so gentle, it may take some of the softness away.
Thanks for the peace and quiet, and sharing your memories!
L
scribbler
2 years 1 month ago
hello
I'm not too happy with the title either but I really don't like changing titles because doing so might be seen as trying to trick others into repeat reads. I'll give the somehow/how thing some thought. Thanks for the visit
Lavender
2 years 1 month ago
My favorite line:
"I almost hear my fly line cast..."
so peaceful - you can truly almost hear it.
L
scribbler
2 years 1 month ago
Swisshh......
It's been a while since I fished with a fly outfit but the tactile part of doing so along with the auditory never leaves
Seren
2 years ago
Dear Bro
You know I live in a valley surrounded by mountains similar to those you describe, so I was there with you except my surrounds are a little different with tall gum trees and ferns scattered all around the ground. I used to go fishing in my youth with my Pop Wright and he would take me whenever I was allowed, I would always do my homework as soon as I got home, in case he wanted to take me fishing. Those are some of the best days of my life.
I adore this poem as I have loved every walk you have taken me on over the years. thank you for the gift, peace and quiet in mind.
I often leave your poetry with a sense of peace.
Thank you!! Bravo!!
love Sis xxx
scribbler
2 years ago
Hi Sis
Always good to hear that you have walked beside me.