Poem

Dec 27, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

When you are with me

Without you, loneliness.
Without you, unplowed fields of sorrow.
With you, a discovery
that life is better,
so much better
than without you.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Karnataka, IND

Comments

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Hello Poem!

I enjoyed reading your poem. I would change the title from "When You Were With Me" to "When You Are With Me" That is only my opinion. Good expession of emotion, here!

Always, Cat

Poem

13 years 6 months ago

Ok Cat will correct it thank

Ok Cat will correct it thank you..:) and where is everyone none to be found online ?

China Blue

13 years 6 months ago

Poem

What's loneliness
I might suggest dropping the conjunction and using the what is ( as a whole)

again drop the conjunction and use the whole as it solidifies the line more
perhaps the repetition is your way of writing so I will not critique that part as I am not a fan of the form
Chrys

Poem

13 years 6 months ago

Hi ya sure would make the

Hi ya sure would make the necessary correction thanks a lot :)

China Blue

13 years 6 months ago

Poem

Much better!
write more

Kailashana2

13 years 6 months ago

Over the years I have

Over the years I have discovered bad poetry, good poetry, brilliant poetry and poetry that strikes a chord within, so to speak.

Sometimes it's just placement that can make the poem SING!

Without you, loneliness.
Without you, unplowed fields of sorrow.
With you, a discovery
that life is better,
so much better
than without you.

What is loneliness?
I have never known it,when you were with me.
What is sorrow?
I have never discovered it, when you were with me..
What is life?
Its fun, when you are with me for now & forever.

Poem

13 years 6 months ago

Hi Kailashana i Thank you so much for working on correcting my poem :) corrected one sounds more better then the original one, and am very new to this site, i would need time to learn 7 know the kind of poetry expected here :) am sure i would improve soon because i have friends like you here to help me out.

thanking you once again :)

raj

13 years 6 months ago

Hello Poem

I had not read your writes before so i presume you have recently joined Neopoet...a warm welcome to you here...

you have expressed emotions pretty well in your poem ..it was nice to read it...i hope you welcome positive critique as a tool for continual improvement i urge you to not be put off by it...look how Anna has taken the time to work with your poem and make some very good suggestions...

Poem

13 years 6 months ago

Hi raj

Thank you...Yes i do accept critiques as learning doesn't happen without it :)

wesley snow

13 years 5 months ago

Welcome indeed.

I'll just belatedly concur with Chrys. wesley

loved

11 years 4 months ago

i think

I have read your poetry book
when I visited India

you are a born poet
great

Poem

11 years 4 months ago

Loved

Hi Loved,

Am so glad that you have read my poems. Thank you so much. May I know your real name please?
I started off writing poems when i was in standard 7th, but there was encouragement, So i just quite. Again began writing when I was pursuing my graduation. We used have management events and i was given task of preparing intro of each event in an interesting way. And secondly I never spoke out my feelings, but when i couldn't keep them to me, there were out in form of poem.

Cheers,

Kavi

Roscoe Lane

11 years 4 months ago

You may learn,

You may learn, but you will also teach. That is Neopoet's gift to all who write and comment, a heartfelt welcome to Neopoet, and i do like the poem. Love Roscoe..