Neopoet

Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

William Saint George
William Saint George
Oct 28, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

To Where Do You Flee?

I thought it wise to bury her
Where no one else could find.
To hide her body in a place
That each of us once knew,
But to which none of us could
Ever, quite return.

I thought it wise to hide the memories,
The good, the bad and even the violent.
To quench all passions,
To dry our tears and move on.
Never to turn back.

I thought it wise to let her go
Back to the shadows of your thoughts,
And of mine.

Her last words were addressed to me:
"Time, to where do you flee?"

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I wrote this for a contest on allpoetry.com about the poetic device "Point Of View". Do you think I nailed the idea?

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath

More from this author

Comments

William Saint George

William Saint George

13 years 8 months ago

Thanks

I must admit I didn't notice that one. I'm sure I'd love you to help with the editing. I'll go through and see what I can fix.

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

the concept is very good,

and it starts off smartly with 3 lines in perfect Iambic meter, which sets up an expectation, immediately shattered by the clunky
That we all once did know
Why the contrived grammatic inversion? Don't you think it would read and scan better in plain English?
That we all once knew.
Use you inversion again in
Her last words were, to me addressed:
[Her last words were addressed to me]
and I can't figure out why. Mostly people use those awkward inversions to fit rhyme in, but that's not the case here. Were you trying to sound 'poetical'? I'm afraid it does the opposite.

I think with a little work this could be a solid write, especially if you could maintain the meter of the first 3 lines.

William Saint George

William Saint George

13 years 8 months ago

Ouch, but thanks!

I'v been trying to break that habit of sounding "poetical" by inverting the grammar. True, it disgusts me when I hear it in other's poems, but it still is a part of me. I repent and pray for forgiveness from the gods, (if there are any. lol!)

And I did not realize I used iambic meter in the first three lines. I must confess I usually have trouble counting meters.

A few changes have been made. Good enough?

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

"That once we all did know"

There's my version. I didn't get to read the pre-Rosi poem, so I can't comment on that, but I liked this a lot. I don't care for free verse, so you had to reach a higher bar to get my attention.
As for "point of view"...outrageous. I seriously tripped at the last line.
wesley

William Saint George

William Saint George

13 years 8 months ago

Here's the original

I thought it wise to bury
Her where no one else could find;
To hide her body in a place
That we once knew
But to which could
Never quite return.

I thought it wise to hide the memories,
Good and bad and violent as well.
To quench all passions,
To dry our tears
And move on never turning back.

I thought it wise to let her go
Back to the shadows of your thoughts,
And of mine.

Her last words were, to me addressed:
"Time, to where do you flee?"

Think it's any good?

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 8 months ago

see above the title

see above the title

'View' and 'Revisions'?
Click on revisions to compare directly changes made.

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

This proves a point I make often.

The revised version is much better, but it's important to notice that none of your original perspectives were lost. Poetry is not only about what we say, but how we say it. Your points, thoughts, ideas were fleshed in the first version, but the second is a better read. What may have happened had Jefferson wrote like an accountant? Would we have been spurred to fight an eight year war? I wonder. wesley

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 8 months ago

Holy Shit!

I did it Jess. What a cool tool. Revisions blew my mind. wesley