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Mar 18, 2015
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Where Melancholies Live ( Meter WS + recording)
as melancholies belong to a darker place
that's far and away from the beamish stars,
they'd wrinkle and crease with, furrows and lines
those faces traced with scowls and frowns
About This Poem
Last Few Words: sound cloud recording added to show where and how I stress. Appreciate everyone's comments.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
Can you scan this for me?
I'm having trouble with the meter and want to see how you hear it.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
melan/cholies be/long to a
melan/cholies be/long to a /darker
place that's /far and a/way from the/ beamish /
stars, they'd/ wrinkle and /crease with/,furrows and
crinkles some/ faces/ traced with /frowns and/scowls/
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
I'm still not sure what I'm seeing.
It seems a mix mostly of trochee, but some of the feet seem to read anapest and iamb.
It is very confusing, but here's the kick... I like the poem a lot. It explains a lot.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
trochee
and dyctyl are VERY HARD for me.
It consumes too much time writing in these two meters and all is in vain. :(
I am happy you liked the theme at least sir
Thanks for passing by. It makes my heart good. :)
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
I can think in iamb.
I can write in anapest without thinking about the rhythm. I can write in trochee, but I have to focus or I make a mess. With God's help I know I could write in dactyl, but I haven't asked, so I can't.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
I think
You are so lucky to be able to play at least with those three.
I need to practice more trochaic.
I know.
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Salam, Rula
That first word 'melancholies". Here's the strange thing. I checked in http://dictionary.reference.com/ and the word's stressesd part is only the "mel" If that is true than the parsing would be diferent from yours.
Still I like the message in this poem.
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
The first two syllables are a trochee.
The second two are what we call a "pyrrhic" (two unstressed syllables in a row). This workshop did not address pyrrhics, spondees, amphibrachs, the Sappho Stanza, Heroic verse, distych, Alcaic lyrical meter, ditrochee or diaeresis, among other concepts in poetry.
See how easy this workshop was?
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
I also believe
That when the word is single, and out of context is stressed differently than being a part of a series of words. Some unstressed words would be stressed then.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
may be
I should consider changing the whole poem to iamb and anapest.
What do you think sir?
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Salam, Rula
Go with your heart, sister. If I can, I'll do dactyll and trochee too, just to offer you my support.
Alid
raj
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Rula
this sounded smooth and crisp to me when i played the poem via the link provided by you..
Regards,
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
I heard you.
I heard you. You once mentioned you didn't have an accent. Well, maybe not in Asia, but here in America you would be considered as having a very thick accent. Some of it has to do with English being a second language, but it's still wonderful to hear you.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Thick accent?
still not sure if this is good or bad. No one here (where I live) has ever commeted on my accent, neither as good nor bad, but I couldn't get the a fluent British nor fluent American accent because I haven't started English early. It wasn't before grade 7 (I was then eleven years old) and I have never been in a real native speakers' environment to grasp the language naturally. So as you can see it's all but of personal efforts.
Your compliment is a real honour.
Thank you!
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
An accent
is neither good nor bad... it simply is. I am surrounded by people who speak with British, German and Asian accents. Also Spanish. A lot of Spanish and Asian. A little French and a load of Arabic. The owner of my local market (cool guy) is Syrian. He's lost over sixty percent of his family in the violence.
So, you see, we are all awash in a sea of dialects and the modern world (technology) is blending them. Someday we will all speak one dialect.
An organization whose name I forgot has determined that an actual "living" language (dialect) dies at a rate of one a week. Once a week an entire language's last speaker dies and the language goes with him/her.
I love your voice. It sounds as from a Faerie land.
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
Here is a more detailed critique.
MEL- / ancholies / be-LONG / to a DAR- / ker PLACE
(That’s one iamb, then what is called a triple pyrrhic, an iamb, an anapest, an iamb.
that's FAR / and a-WAY / from the BEA / mish STARS,
they'd WRIN- / kle and CREASE/ with, FUR / -rows and LINES
those FA- / ces TRACED / with SCOWLS / and FROWNS.
This is how I scan it, but the problem here is not really the combinations, but rather that you used them in a haphazard way. Iamb and anapest should help one another to increase the flow in you “rhythm”. There is very little that’s lovely about your rhythm.
It is not a bad poem, but it is not very good either.
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Thank you sir
for the detailed critique
I think the bad start with a word like "melancholy" which I edited to "as melancholy" affects all that came after that.
I won't give up practicing more trochee and dactyl though.
Much appreciate the parsing. I know how painful it is.
scribbler
10 years 3 months ago
To heck
With the shop (I duck to avoid wes arrows) it was a real treat to actually hear your voice reciting one of your poems.........stan
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Hello Stan
and many thanks for your words. You're so kind to say so, and I know you're quite safe there. Sir Wesley is not that bad!! :)
Thank you.