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May 02, 2020
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Why?
<p>you hear my laughs you hear my cries, you see me run you see me hide. When will you ever decide when to open your eyes?, how long will it take to bury these lies. The ones that made me feel alright, the ones you didn't lock away, the ones you promised not to say. When will i get my summer when will i get my say?, wheres my light wheres my day. You see me run you hear me cry why didn't you help why didn't you try?.</p>
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
c lynn brooks
5 years 2 months ago
suggestion
if this were put in stanza forn it would make it easier for the reader
you hear my laughs
you hear my cries
you see me run
you see me hide
and so on
Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
I'm in...
agreement with Ms. Brooks. It we be much easier to read if it is in stanzas. I think your title is okay and at least it brings the reader in. That's what a title is supposed to do. I see that you at least have the basics of rhyme and I hope that you will join some workshops and read a lot of poets here on the site. That will give you some ideas about how to improve your work.
1]. The content is something that reminds me of being bullied, I hope that is not the case.
2] Your language use is about what is to be expected for your age.
3]. The rhyme scheme and pattern is okay.
4]. It seems to be consistent and flows well from beginning to the end.
All in all, pretty well written for a beginner. Feel free to look around at the rest of the poets here on site and you will find that
you gain insight to what makes a good poem. Good luck and again, welcome to Neo.
~ Geezer.
.
jubshaw
5 years 1 month ago
Comment on your work
A lovely poem. But I do agree it would be easier to read and think about each question if it were in stanzas. I enjoyed your poem. Keep working. It was amazing for a 13-year-old.