alidzain

Feb 11, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Winter

The winter returns,
The cold wind breaks the silence
with a long, long sigh

The land lies hidden
under a sea of white snow
beauty, undenied

the reign of the night
lingers in its long embrace
shares a lover's kiss

While the day passes
so swiftly in memory
a fleeing shadow

a homeless beggar
feeling the chill in his bones
praying for its end

for in its beauty
there is the endless longing
for the absent warmth

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Alid

It is good to see you try various forms of poetry as in this Haiku. I liked the way you pieced them together and was tempted to play with this wintry spectacle just for fun..

Mama winter snoops,
the cool breeze breaks the silence
with a misty sigh

the land lies covered
beneath a snow white blanket
in a cozy warmth

Regards,

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

I thought this was sublime.

I thought this was sublime. Its the best I've read from you. And several phrases remind me of A Song of Ice and Fire.

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

thank you

thank you, guys. I'm glad you like it..

Alid

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Alid

I have to agree with William on this one and I don't think it needs anything else but here it is

snow sparkled with light
and shimmered the ground with grace
light melts the wicked

don't ask me where it came from it just did if you don't like it totally ignore me I am not in my right or left mind at the moment lol

love JC xxx

wesley snow

11 years 5 months ago

It is quite lovely.

Gentle and lovely.

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

thank you, sir

Alid

Rula

11 years 5 months ago

Beautiful

I really enjoyed this one as well Khalid.
Keep on the great job!

doomhead

11 years 5 months ago

I agree, this is succinct and enchanting

I enjoy how each stanza addresses different elements of winter; the way it edges in with cold winds effecting the amount of daylight and covering the streets in its ferociousness.

Here's a few things that I think need a bit of thought. First of all, the capitalisation (or lack of in the first stanza) confused me because it was inconsistent. The third stanza's 'like a lover's kiss' I felt should be adapted to a metaphor - the whole poem is an extended metaphor comparing winter to a lover, to my eyes, and thus the use of a simile seems to break rank. Finally, I found the positivity and mystique of this poem somewhat frustrating as it seems to glaze over the more irritating aspects of the colder months. Perhaps something slight could be added to suggest it has a cruelness to it as well, thus also making an inference that lovers/people/etc can be equally beautiful as they are heart wrenching.

All over however, the mood of this poem sent me straight to the snow, which is somewhat relieving as it is hot and sticky where I live in Australia.

x Liam

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Yes, that's what I need

when you put it this way I can see how to improve and I have edited it. now I don't know how to change the part about a lover's kiss. keep trying to find other words but got stuck again.any ideas?? one more thing, tell me if the new verses works 'cos i'm still new with haiku.

Thanks, Liam
Alid