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At The Winter Gardens
He climbs and jumps from bandstands and benches,
the wood-sculpted mermaid, then tackles the fences
one side of the duck pond, and spying the bridge
trip-traps across to where trolls might be hid
and challenges them to come out if they dare,
after ensuring that grandad’s close there
to assist in the skirmish if needed,
but his grandstanding passes unheeded.
There are only a posse of joggers panting,
social distancing signs, willow branches
and lovers who walk with their arms entwined,
a cacophonous gaggle of ducks where he finds
amongst the flurry of feathers and bread
there is one floating undisturbed and quite dead.
Ah, the fellowship grandad feels and must fight,
for the slumber of death in the muddle of life
and all the high places to which he aspires
that he might throw himself down and retire.
He takes grandad back to the picnic blanket
where mommy awaits with a marmite sandwich,
cordial, cake and a flask of strong tea
while grandad stares at the handkerchief tree,
abstinent, absent in his fogbound head.
But the boy wants to check if the duck is still dead,
so tugging his hands in case trolls are around
he helps to keep grandad’s feet fixed to the ground.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Geezer
3 weeks 5 days ago
I followed...
the story and the boy with some trepidation for his safety and no little bit of wonder at the lack of supervision due to his energy and apparent nonchalance toward the rest of the world. I am guessing that this has taken place during the COVID pandemic? [The social distancing signs]. The rhyming is pretty fair, but starts off with a near rhyme, and stumbles regularly after that. The reader is suddenly faced with the notion that granddad is either suicidal or on his way out with Alzheimer's, while Mom struggles to keep the whole day together. The shaky narrative could be saved with a stronger rhyme scheme, and better progression of thought, which would come from the stronger rhyme scheme.
Ray Miller
3 weeks 4 days ago
At The Winter Gardens
Geezer, thanks for the comments. Let me address your concerns. We do, of course, undertake a thorough risk assessment before escorting any of the grandchildren to the park. To do otherwise would be absolutely unfashionable.
Full rhymes have been used to the point of near exhaustion. Near rhymes, loose rhymes, off rhymes are the way forward if we wish to maintain a sustainable poetic presence. Besides which, they are rather more interesting.
Grandad is certainly depressed and he finds, no doubt, there's a great deal to be depressed about.
Assuming that the narrative is shaky, can a stronger rhyme scheme really produce a steadier narrative whilst enabling a better progression of thought? That's a lot of weight to carry.
Apologies for being facetious, but I've got to keep my head above water somehow.