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Nov 28, 2023
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Winter Night
Clear, starry heaven
Cold wind sending me shivers
Orion greets me.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
1 year 7 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Winter Night" is a haiku, a form of Japanese poetry that traditionally consists of three lines with a 5-7-5 syllable count. This poem adheres to this structure, which shows a good understanding of the form.
The poem effectively uses sensory language to create a vivid image of a winter night. The phrases "Clear, starry heaven" and "Cold wind sending me shivers" appeal to the senses of sight and touch, respectively, which helps to immerse the reader in the scene.
However, the poem could benefit from the use of more specific and concrete imagery. For example, instead of saying "Cold wind sending me shivers," the poet could describe the physical sensations caused by the cold wind in more detail. This could make the poem more engaging and evocative.
The use of the phrase "Orion greets me" is interesting. It personifies the constellation Orion, which adds a touch of whimsy to the poem. However, the significance of Orion could be further explored. Why does the poet choose to mention this particular constellation? What does it symbolize or represent? Exploring these questions could add depth to the poem.
In terms of rhythm and sound, the poem could benefit from the use of more varied sentence structures and sound devices, such as alliteration or assonance. This could make the poem more musical and pleasant to read.
Overall, the poem shows promise and demonstrates a good understanding of the haiku form. With some revisions, it could become even more engaging and evocative.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
1 year 7 months ago
;)
Orion, my patron father figure! Very Nice! and a haiku at that...
*love, (the) Cat
Unca Fez
1 year 7 months ago
I Had Forgotten That
I had forgotten that you claimed a relationship with Orion. Thanks for reminding me. Maybe that is why I'm always drawn to the constellation when the winter sky is clear.
Lavender
1 year 7 months ago
Winter Night
Hello, Steve,
I read this a couple times. I love the transition! The reverence to the heavenly stars, then a slight distraction by the discomfort of the cold wind, followed by a warm greeting from Orion. A serene bond between you and the universe!
Thank you,
L
Unca Fez
1 year 7 months ago
Thank you!
The haiku is based upon a multitude of winter trips down the driveway to either fetch the mail or garbage containers. It catches that moment when I,inevitably, search the sky for Orion. I don't know what it is about it, but I've always felt an attraction to that constellation.
Thanks for reading and your comments.
RoseBlack
1 year 7 months ago
Orion
My favorite of the constellations...this made me think back to cold nights searching for Orion and his belt with my father. We would look every time we got out of the car. This was a beautiful, simple write. I could feel the cold air on my skin. Well done.
Unca Fez
1 year 7 months ago
Thank you!
It always amazes me how just a few words can paint such vivid images. Glad I could bring back good memories. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Geezer
1 year 7 months ago
I was...
taught to look for the Big and Little Dippers by finding Orion's Belt.
I don't go out at night much anymore, but when I do, I always look for Orion's Belt.
Good stuff!
~ Geez.
.
Unca Fez
1 year 7 months ago
Thanks!
The constellations have been a part of the human experience, going back to our earliest times. I find comfort in them. They are, from the perspective of a single life, one of the few constants.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Ruby Lord
1 year 7 months ago
Hi Steve, I'm freezing,
Hi Steve, I'm freezing, standing outside looking up. Great job, well done, Ruby :) xx
Unca Fez
1 year 7 months ago
Can't Count the Nights...
Can't count the nights that I've done that. Always leaves me feeling more peaceful.
Thanks for reading and commenting.