Withered Camellia

He danced on Love’s fiery coals
their heat exciting his heart
as Lent lilies by Wind’s tune.
His quill mercilessly bled
lucid verse on his ardour;
and his violin’s serenades
infused night’s serene quiescence.

Ah, but this cruel absence
his sanity now pervades
and strips his heart to the core.
Yet he by Love’s promise led-
drawn into approaching monsoon-
yields and partakes of the hurt
as no memory recalls.

Head bowed, he’ll stand- in his hand,
a lonely withered camellia.

—-Mini- anthology: Hepatica—

About This Poem

Last Few Words: There are few books I can claim changed my life; books that have made me think about the way I perceive my environment, relationships and generally, how I live. Paulo Coelho has about 2 books on that list, Khaled Hosseini another or two, and a bunch of other writers. But the first book to make that list was Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, 3 years ago. It was exciting and enchanting as it was thought-provoking. Probably because at the time I read it, I related to the character Florentino Ariza: dancing on Love’s burning coals oblivious of the wounds that ate into my very being. No matter how badly I got burnt, I lumbered on the promise of Love inflating me with insane courage. This was written so much for and about Ariza as it was for me.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Kampala, Uganda, UGA

Favorite Poets: Jonathan Swift, Sarah Kay, William Shakespeare, Elizabeth Browning, Christina Rossetti, Grace Nichols, The Lantern Meet of Poets (the biggest and oldest society of poets in Uganda)

Comments

weirdelf

13 years 4 months ago

Sometimes strong language is the best way to express something

This is fucking brilliant in every way. It evokes powerful emotions without sentiment, it is lucid and intelligent. It uses many poetic devices with an elegant and deft touch.

And that rhyming scheme! I have never seen it before. Does it have a name?

There is just one word choice I might question.
as none memory recalls.
as no memory recalls.

and a couple of typos
serandes serenades
abscence absence [unless this is a purposeful pun on absence and abscess?]

I have seldom seen such an impressive début poem on Neopoet! Welcome, slybard.

oh, and I also adore Gabriel Garcia Marquez

slybard

13 years 4 months ago

thanks,Jess

Thanks. Well, technically, I am not new at all to neopoet. I was here from 2008/9... before it went offline. I didn't know it had gone online again but I am sure grateful that it did.

About the typos, going to work on them.