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Witness
Light a scented candle
to soothe your mind,
and hide the scandal
of memory's bind.
Deny your sins
and dirty dark deeds,
until your head spins
and your mind bleeds.
but deeper down...
sitting on things done,
while you deny
the smoking gun.
It just doesn't figure;
you're not to blame.
didn't "pull the trigger"
why own the shame?
But, just maybe,
sitting and viewing,
murder of baby...
Is just as bad as the doing!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Candlewitch notepad.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "Witness," effectively uses a consistent rhyme scheme (ABAB) throughout, which lends a rhythmic flow to the piece. This structure helps to engage the reader and maintain their interest. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter to further enhance this rhythmic quality.
The poem's theme, centered around guilt, denial, and responsibility, is a compelling one. The use of metaphor, such as "smoking gun" and "pull the trigger," effectively conveys the idea of culpability. However, the shift from metaphorical to literal language in the final stanza ("destruction of the baby") is somewhat abrupt and may disorient the reader. It might be beneficial to maintain a consistent level of figurative language throughout the poem to ensure a cohesive reading experience.
The poem also uses a second-person perspective ("your mind," "your sins," "you deny"), which can be a powerful tool for engaging the reader directly. However, it's important to ensure that this perspective is used consistently and effectively. In the third stanza, the poem shifts to a first-person perspective ("sitting on things done"), which could potentially confuse the reader. Maintaining a consistent perspective throughout the poem would likely enhance its overall impact.
Finally, the poem's exploration of guilt and responsibility could be deepened by providing more specific details or examples. This would allow the reader to more fully understand and engage with the poem's themes.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
8 months 1 week ago
I think...
I get the drift of this one. I will be back later, to go over it again, ~ Geez.
.
Candlewitch
8 months 1 week ago
Thanks, Geez
I will wait patiently for your return.
much appreciation, Cat
Geezer
8 months 1 week ago
I think...
that you need a few changes here.
In the first line of the third stanza, you need an extra syllable, and the second line, one less, how about:
But deep[er] down,
sit on things done,
But maybe, just maybe
sitting and viewing,
the murder of baby,
is as bad as the doing.
I get it, I hope you don't mind that I rearranged and added a couple of words.
~ Geez.
.
Candlewitch
8 months 1 week ago
Dear Geez,
I do not mind one bit, lol. I usually like your changes very much! Thanks for the attention paid and the suggestions made.
Leslie
8 months 1 week ago
Cat...
Great poem! I love your zeal for human life.
Candlewitch
8 months 1 week ago
Dear John,
It is good to see you around! Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate the support you always give to me xxx Cat