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Aug 12, 2020
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A Worm In The Apple...
Hey, HE says; not to do it
Eat that apple and you'll sin
Don't you take a bite
That's the word from HIM
I don't know why you can't
Makes no sense to me
Who am I? I'm just a snake
It's dumb, between us three
HE's not too smart about some things
He gave you legs and makes me crawl
You're not to eat this fruit
HE says it will cause a fall
Fall from where, I think you'll ask?
The land's flat all herebouts
Go on, taste it Eve
What HE said; I have my doubts
HE's afraid that you'll get smart
And if you have just half a brain
You'll see what HE is up to
Learn to come out of the rain
So go ahead, and have a bite
Eat it, have your fill
HE won't put you out the garden
At least, I don't think HE will
Oooops... I hear HIM coming
I think I'll take my leave
What? You think you're naked?
Quick! Some vines to weave
Or hide yourself in the bushes
HE won't see you there
But, don't you worry none
I don't think HE really cares
Uh oh, HE's looking pissed
I guess you should apologize
Who me? I didn't force you
I just fed you lies
You wanted to believe it
Felt HE kept you down
Now, you have fallen next to me
Bye; I'll see you 'round
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I just had to try my hand at this.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Candlewitch
4 years 11 months ago
I've heard
snakes and dragons referred to as worms! i love the title, as it is very creative. the temptation of the snakes dialog is a professional sales pitch, to two innocents, you might call them newborns. before they know it they have fallen under the snakes spell and out of paradise! I like snakes last line best. thanks for the amusing tale.
*hugs, Cat
*
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
Yeah...
old sneaky snake Satan... I think you're right, quite the salesman. I wonder if that's where the expression comes from; snake-oil? His last line is what I would expect from him, "Misery loves company". Thanks for the read and comments, it makes my day when I get a smile from my readers. ~ Gee.
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Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
Thanks Teddy...
Yup, I never look at the apple until I've eaten the whole thing; I don't want to know. Glad you enjoyed, makes my day. ~ Geez.
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Gracy
4 years 11 months ago
Dear Geez, very amusing poem
Dear Geez, very amusing poem about the fall from grace. The title is fine and so is the content and rhyming. You always make me laugh. Sounds weird, but I'll never understand why He gave humankind free will...look what we've done with it.
Enjoyed very much, Gracy
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
Satan...
being the good salesman, knew that if he could get free-will for us, there would be lots of souls for him. So he challenged HIM
to let HIS creation have free-will and you're right, look what we've done with it! I sincerely hope that the Apocalypse isn't anytime soon, or mankind is doomed! I do believe that we can still get it right, but we need a bit more time. Maybe a couple of thousand more years? ~Geez.
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c lynn brooks
4 years 11 months ago
Gee
interesting take amusing
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
If we let...
our mercy spill on all those burning hearts in Hell, maybe that will buy us a little bit more time to straighten out and fly right.
Thanks, glad to see you amused. It makes my day.
~ Gee.
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c lynn brooks
4 years 11 months ago
Gee
that is my favorite line from the Leonard Cohen song If It Be Your Will
scribbler
4 years 11 months ago
As I read this
for some reason I kept thinking of the main stream media...........
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
And I...
think of ... an over-eflated ego, never missing an opportunity to take advantage. ~ Geez.
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godshouldnthave
4 years 10 months ago
Poor Worm
This snake keeps hoping "HE" will be a rational and reasonable entity. The snake sees the trapped apes in a false menagerie of ignorance and does not see the point. You say the snake's Ego is inflated. But what about the "please love me and only me despite my dominating and enslaving rules" daddy that is coming home to punish us for things we could not possibly understand or adhere to? Poor worm. Poor EVE. Poor Adam. Even today still taking the blame for their maker's Ego trip.
Seren
4 years 11 months ago
Dearest Bro
Well well well. Hehehe oh dear. I dont think he's listening or well paying attention to us mere suffering mortals. He's too busy whispering in others ears and distracting HER. Pmsl I will let you decide which hahaha
I really really love the concept and I think I have a few thoughts. As you know I'm moving so for next 3 weeks I am going to be flat out like a lizard drinking. Well not doing anything physically exerting but I direct the flow of what needs to be done or it'll turn into a circus without a ringleader.
You know in the past I've spread myself thin trying to help everyone but the way I am I just cant do that. So the poems I feel the greatest pull to and have the most to offer improving them I have started a list. The big fella is out buying me some notebooks and this poems on my list.
As you know in the past I was very active. It's time I came back for myself and hopefully I'll have something to offer and be of assistance to everyone.
Love you always higgliest bugs J xxxooo
P.s. I forgot to add I will be probably posting edits before the three weeks are up. I'm going to fill the free time with. This. I have missed this so bloody much
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
Thanks...
glad to know that this is on your list. I hope there isn't too much wrong with it. Hopefully, everything goes right with your move and you can devote some time to being here. Higgest bugs ~ Gee.
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Seren
4 years 11 months ago
Dearest Bro
Nothing really wrong but a couple of things I thought could maybe flow a bit better. Hon I am BACK. I will be here everyday like old times. Y'all will get sick of me lol Just this next couple of weeks I am going to try and get to know everyone and most importantly their body of work..There is us old bunch but there are so many new people I dont know. I've been reading for hrs lol I'm just not just commenting on everything. Couple they would probably be glad I dont lol hahahaha
Love and higgliest bugs J xxxooo