write me down

write me down on a white paper
the future I never dream of
just put me down in your books
tell me about the old
the past I know about
walk me out to be the best
the bread is soft when being baked
don't plead guilty of the past you have done
put my name in the best books of history

my shoes know my path of life
the prints I make by them are permanent
the pillow I sleep on has my dreams
walls around me know my thoughts
fingers on my hand give me power
my head and brain show me knowledge
eyes capture everything and make it a memory

the one above shows me the way
talent I have given by him
words I put together from his power
trust in him and grant me fame

write me down in the book of the LORD
writ me down in the book of fame
put me as your leader
let me rule the world for you

just write me down in the goods books of life
just write me down

About This Poem

Last Few Words: am I writing well

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: LEPHALALE, ZAF

Favorite Poets: MAYA ANGELOU

Comments

Sparrow

10 years 5 months ago

Amo

A very good write just a tiny typo in there:-
"writ me down in the book of fame"
But the last six lines have made the whole thing singular to a Lord, if this is written around a deity it would be better on the mind to leave out the lords or Gods, these two words or any reference to one narrows the readers you will have no matter what you believe.
Give my love to Lephalale, I loved that part of Africa,
Yours as always, Ian

emogothgirl

10 years 4 months ago

hmmmm

I really like this. It reminds me of spoken word, and I think it has a LOT of potential to be a performed poem. The second stanza fits into the theme a little looser than the rest of the poem, but it fits just enough I think. The first and last stanzas are my favorite, I like how you structured everything.

While I think Ian has a good point, I don't necessarily agree. Unless the entire poem is written in praise of a certain god or lord, I think it's fine to use religious references such as this. So to answer your question, yes, you are writing well! Great job.

Mag