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Dec 26, 2024
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At the X-Mas Bar...
As I passed by the sitting booth
in the X-Mas bar and grill,
I saw Mr. and Mrs. Santa
sit down to have a swill.
He patted her on the bum,
she kissed him on the cheek,
I distinctly heard her say,
Boy, what a wretched week!
He said; Yeah, I know it hon,
but it's all over now.
We had some terrifying moments,
but we got through somehow.
We had to can elf Albert,
he ate my stash of magic cookies.
He tried to hit on you, my love,
looking for some nookie.
Then the reindeer went on strike,
wanting fresher hay and feed,
and Rudolph, with that damned nose
got them all to smoking weed!"
Well, get us another drink my dear,
I'll rack the table for a game of pool.
Then off to bed at the North Pole,
where you can make love to this old fool.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem successfully employs a conversational tone and humor to depict a scene that is both familiar and fantastical. The use of dialogue and narrative elements contribute to the vividness of the scene and the characters.
However, there are some areas that could be improved. The rhythm of the poem is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For example, the second stanza has more syllables than the others, which can be jarring. Consider revising the poem to have a more consistent meter.
The poem also relies heavily on cliches and colloquial language, such as "have a swill," "what a wretched week," and "got them all to smoking weed." While these phrases can contribute to the poem's humor and casual tone, they also risk making the poem feel less original. Consider replacing some of these phrases with more unique or unexpected language to add depth and interest to the poem.
Finally, the poem's ending could be more impactful. The final line, "where you can make love to this old fool," feels somewhat abrupt and out of place. Consider revising this line to better fit with the rest of the poem and to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Jackweb
6 months ago
Conclusion -
_Conclusion:_
The poem is a humorous and lighthearted exploration of the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus, revealing their personalities, relationships, and challenges in a relatable and entertaining way. Through its vivid imagery, playful tone, and poetic devices, the poem creates a sense of delight and enjoyment, inviting the reader to appreciate the humor and charm of the holiday season.
Geezer
6 months ago
Thank you Jack...
Haven't seen you around lately, you ought to post more. ~ Geez.
.
Jackweb
6 months ago
Thank you Esteemed poet!
I had an accident that nearly claimed my life. This happened since June, 2024. My phone shattered, so I was offline many months. But thank God I'm alive today.
,
,
Geezer
6 months ago
I am...
very glad that you survived and are back here to Neopoet. I will be looking forward to you posts. ~ Geezer.
.
Jackweb
6 months ago
Many
Thanks!
,
,
Triskelion
5 months 4 weeks ago
..a good one..
..Geezer. I enjoyed the pace in this one and the humour it carried. Looks like you and this particular couple would get along famously!
Magic cookies, indeed..!
Thomas
Lavender
5 months 4 weeks ago
At The X-Mas Bar
Hello Geezer,
A wretched week - that seems to end pretty well! Really enjoyed this!
L