Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Yin Gate Pleasures
In this clouds and rain love
The sun is cold
Against our bare skin
All that is
Of this mundane plateaux
We are taught
An impure beauty
Even gold mist
And jade dew meet
For a single erotic encounter
Once a day
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Clouds and rain love is an old chinese euphemism for sexual intercourse as the goddess of Mount Wu visited empererors in erotic dreams her emanations were clouds and rains. Gold Mist is the male essence jade dew the female. Yin Passage is my coined reference for the female sex
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
1 week 6 days ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a compact, evocative meditation on love and desire, using natural imagery and subtle contrasts. The juxtaposition of "clouds and rain love" with a "cold" sun introduces an intriguing tension between warmth and chill, passion and restraint. However, the phrase "In this clouds and rain love" feels somewhat awkward grammatically; consider revising for smoother flow, perhaps "In this love of clouds and rain" or "In clouds and rain, love."
The phrase "mundane plateaux" is striking and unusual. The word "plateaux" suggests a flat, elevated expanse, which metaphorically could represent emotional or experiential stasis. However, "mundane" paired with "plateaux" might benefit from clearer imagery or elaboration to strengthen the metaphor’s impact. The line "We are taught / An impure beauty" introduces a philosophical or cultural commentary, but its meaning is somewhat opaque. Clarifying what "impure beauty" entails or how it relates to the preceding images could deepen the poem's resonance.
The final stanza’s "gold mist" and "jade dew" are vivid, sensuous images that evoke a delicate, almost mystical eroticism. The phrase "a single erotic encounter / Once a day" grounds the poem in a ritualistic or disciplined aspect of desire, which contrasts with the natural imagery. This contrast is compelling but could be more fully developed to enhance thematic coherence.
Overall, the poem's strength lies in its evocative imagery and the tension between natural elements and human experience. Attention to grammatical clarity and thematic elaboration would enhance its emotional and intellectual impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
1 week 6 days ago
Still not sure...
I thought that it was the lament of someone bereft of companionship... ~ Geezer.
.
Dalton
1 week 6 days ago
Hi Geezer
You can read author notes section for my explanation be well brother