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Mar 03, 2022
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With you
I can't help but watch you.
All that you do, leads me astray,
As long as I'm with you.
All that I know is true,
Is that no matter what you say,
I can't help but watch you.
As I follow, "Where to?"
While step by step, as you delay,
As long as I'm with you.
Your voice, leading me through
This lonely path on which we stay,
I can't help but watch you.
Still walking, wind blows through
Our hair, silence fills the air. Hey,
As long as I'm with you.
Maybe, when sky is blue
Day starts anew, perhaps I'll say,
I can't help but watch you.
As long as I'm with you.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: i write villanelle
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
hello Clobro,
I think you should try a little harder on the title, as "I love You" is getting to be a cliche. maybe something like; "Being Near You" or even, "Near You" . the theme is repetitive, without giving any new information. there is potential here, for a decent poem. take your time and work on it. good start.
*hugs, Cat
*
Clobro
3 years 4 months ago
thank you
i am not very experienced at writing poems, i have edited it a little, is it better? I tried to add a rhythm to the poem, and changed some rhymes
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
much better!
the more you write, the better you will become. you have talent, to be sure.
*hugs, Cat
*
Tracey Underwood
3 years 4 months ago
Great!
You put your feelings out there. I think you could redo the title. I have problems with coming up with titles too. But all in all, your poem was good. Keep putting your feelings into it and the words will flow. Thanks for sharing. Love and light. Namaste.
lovedly
3 years 4 months ago
If I were you as a maiden poem I'd title it as
In Your Arms /WARMTH OF YOU/WHERE ARE YOU/MY LOVE
SOME OFF THE BEAT TITLE IS A MUST to attract birds and bees use IMAGERY please.
Then go about him You know what I mean
Since you haven't composed many poems suggest you read some or many here great poets
Gee is one and see you will fly with him
Like a butterfly
Ah!