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Jul 23, 2020
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You Were Gone So Long
If there was a sound,
if there was a slight breeze,
I did not notice.
If there was a familiar fragrance,
or a pleasing taste,
I was unaware.
For, mortal that I am,
what other sense could I endure
but the radiant sight of your return.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
Just a wee bit...
too obscure. I feel like this is a part of a poem, not the whole thing. I love the premise of being just mortal and not being able to connect with another-worldly essence, but give us a clue, what is it?
~ Geez.
.
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hi, Geezer
Well...bummer! Hmm...I was trying to describe the moment someone experiences their lover's return after being away a long time. All senses (hearing, touching/feeling, smelling, tasting) would be mute compared to the sight (seeing) of their lover. I will rethink this.
Thanks for all your help!
L
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
It took...
the views of a couple of other readers to convince me of the fullness of this poem. After re-reading, [and seeing your explanation], I understand where this poem is going. I'm not sure where my head was and I am afraid that I didn't do your work justice this time. Am I forgiven? ~ Geez.
.
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hi, Geezer
Nothing to forgive, my friend! To me, if it wasn't clear enough, then it may not be working, after all. It's certainly best to not have the need to explain, but instead have the aha! effect just from reading. The title was meant to be a major part of the poem, too. The poem seems to be on the fence, so I will think it through a bit more. I always, always appreciate your input!
Thank you!
L
Geezer
4 years 11 months ago
I'm thinking...
that your title could be: [You Were Gone So Long]. Shorter. I really am contrite; it must have
been too early to be giving advice, I didn't fully understand the implications of the title. Duh... ~ Geez.
.
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hi, Geezer,
Thank you for the title suggestion. I think it works much better.
L
lovedly
4 years 11 months ago
radiance clarifide
hence views removed
sorry L
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Yes!
Hi, Lovedly!
Yes! You and Geezer are exactly correct - it is the ecstasy that is missing! Awesome help!
Thank you very much!
L
lovedly
4 years 11 months ago
.
.
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hi, Lovedly
All good! I am pleased if it seems to work as is.
Thank you!
L
Seren
4 years 11 months ago
Hi lavender
I have to disagree with my brother Gee. I think there is just enough bones to fil the body of the poem.
Loved it J x
Seren
4 years 11 months ago
No no no the radiant in the
No no no the radiant in the last sentence gives me that sense of ecstasy. The beauty in this poem is the less is more principle. Just opinion of course.
J x
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hello, Serendipity
Radiant = sensual / visual ecstasy certainly was my intention. I hoped it would overwhelm any other mortal sense. I will ponder on this a bit, as I am a big fan of less is more, and, if all is good here, I shall leave it be. Thank you for reading and helping me!
Lavender
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hi, Jerry
You have given me a great boost about my final line which was to absolutely burst with ecstasy for certain. I definitely could learn a thing or two from Venus!
Thank you so much, Jerry!
L
Lavender
4 years 11 months ago
Hello, Teddy
Not what I was going for, but still pretty satisfying to hear your interpretation of the poem. I'll think about the title - it seems therein lies the problem.
Thank you, Teddy!
L