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S
scribbler
Aug 02, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

THAT YOUNG GIRL

A summer eve
a baseball game
a girl who didn't
know my name

A nervous boy
made a call
to she who soon
became my all

Years of sharing
stars above
turned mere passion
into true love

Marriage and kids
soon raised and gone
a single soul
that I lean on

Years like pages
in a long book
I see that young girl
each time I look

*for Susan after 38 years

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

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Comments

D

Dalton

13 years 2 months ago

Hi Stan

Its wonderful shes your muse. Your lucky to have such a wife to give you visions. Shes your Aisling

John

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

hi Dalton

You are right about my being lucky.............stan

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

hi Eph

No matter how long I gaze, I'll always see that young girl I saw that night............stan

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

hi Rula

Thank you very much.............stan

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Hello Judy

I hope she can put up with me One more year much less 38 lol............stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

Just a bit of scansion, if I may suggest

A nervous boy
made a call
to she who soon
became my all

Years of sharing
stars above
turned mere passion
into love

phone is not necessary, true is a loss, but hear how it scans better?

Oh wait, I forgot, you don't speak English, you speak South Carolinan

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Hi Jess

Kind of amazing that though I speak Carolina southern and you speak Australian we still both can read English lol. I'll think about those changes. I used true to give a bit od alliteration . Might be a mistake in a minimalist poem like this. Thanks for coming by and dropping off some suggestions. Now I'll get out my Aussie- Southern dictionary and see if I can interpret them lmao..............stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

Oh, I should warn you,

that dictionary has been suppressed by the CIA to prevent an outbreak of open warfare between Australia and South Carolina.

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

hi

Who was it said "Americans and British are two people separated by a common language"? I guess the same hold true for Australians lol...........stan

S

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Hi Lonnie

Thank you Lonnie. With a bit of luck maybe we'll make it to 39 lol...............stan