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HELL'S GATE

HELL’S GATE

In the humid back room of a bar in Rangoon

I at last met the man I’d been seeking.

Poured raw gin in his cup, (stopped his throat drying up)

He gulped some down and then started speaking.
 

“Son, don't be too surprised, for this tale is all lies,

But don't blame yourself ; I think you should go 

You must know; can’t you tell? There’s no gateway to Hell

It’s all newspaper talk…” I shouted “NO!”
 

I let go his shirt stud and he wheezed and coughed blood

Then rasped “You win, I’ll tell you what I‘ve done”.

I was strangely surprised by the look in his eyes

Seemed like a triumph, as if he had won .
 

When he started to talk my face turned white as chalk,

For I knew then I’d have to be brave

He'd gone into a mine that had closed since the time

Miners tunnelled into a large cave.
 

In the cave, set well back, was a door : massive : black :

All covered in skulls and strange runes

A jab with a pick nearly made them all sick

As the skulls belched out foul, greenish fumes.
 

The door was thrown back, with a sickening crack

As this daemon from Hell now appeared

He winced as he said,” All of my men had fled”

That thing was the nightmare he'd feared..
 

Huge, slimy and green with a translucent sheen,

It saw him through six yellow eyes

Five mouths and four lips showing yellowed fang tips

Each hand had claws monstrous in size
 

He threw spears at the beast,all blessed by a good priest

The third skewered the Daemon's green chest

It collapsed and he knew, it was dead, dead! It’s true!

He'd kept the skin, burned the rest.
 

“I’m a hunter, like you, but the best I can do

Is a tiger or leopard or lion

For a  daemon, old man, I'd give up my right hand!

Why, I’d give my soul if I could try one!”
 

“You’re not so damned clever-you’ve got it forever!”

The old man was dancing with joy.

“The first time a full moon, you will change, and that’s soon!

For tonight is the night, my brave boy.”
 

And so it has been, every full moon since then

Its skin wraps round me, head to feet.

I become the green daemon and stalk any human

To feed my great hunger for meat.
 

IF YOU GO OUT TONIGHT AND THE FULL MOON SHINES BRIGHT,

REMEMBER THIS TALE, FOR IT’S TRUE

BEHIND YOU THE SCRATCH OF A CLAW ON A BRANCH ?

IT’S THE DAEMON, AND HE’S HUNTING YOU !

 

 

— Tam the Chanter, Jan 28, 2010

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

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Critiques

S

Skumpfsklub

16 years 4 months ago

A campfire poem

Good piece, following what is probably the oldest tradition in poetry---scaring the kids!
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

16 years 4 months ago

Nice flow, a few stumbles, good story

With the internal rhyme in lines 1 and 3 of each stanza there is additional complexity to the piece and the general flow is good and the story is amusing. I did see a bit of meter wandering here and there and while with a piece like this precise meter is not a requirement, we all know how I am so I'm going to make some suggestions based around the 12AA,10B,12CC,10B pattern in the first stanza. I'm only addressing two stanza to demonstrate my point of view but in the first two stanzas I am offering some word substitutions and modifications. As you know, these are for your review and contemplation only and you, as the poet, will make all decision on what, if any, changes are desired or required. Below are my suggestions on the first two stanzas. All word modifications are [bracketed]. --------------------------------- 12 In the private side room of a bar in Rangoon 10 I at last met the man I’d been seeking. 12 Poured raw gin in his cup, (stops his throat drying up) 10 [Which] he gulped down and then started speaking 12 “Son, [you're bound to] realise that this tale is all lies, 10 [And I won't blame you if you want to] go 12 You must know; can’t you tell? There’s no gateway to Hell 10 It’s [only] newspaper talk…” I [cried] “NO!” -------------------------------------------- --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)
Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

16 years 3 months ago

Thanks for the crit.

I've had another go at this, although I feel that you could do this a damned sight better than I. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this , Jonathan. I am but a ball-point pen, enclosing a metric area of 1 ( I am bic - penned a metre ) Ian

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