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R
raj
Feb 12, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

(Read More...)

Happens to me [Sunku Workshop]

Scattered
are my thoughts
like spilled pop corn

They stare
even mock
my puzzled look

My muse
has hundreds
mouths to talk

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

welcome and thank you for

welcome and thank you for being the first bird
I like the poem
is it how you feel?
perhaps puzzled look would sound more to the true meaning of what you wanted to tell?
i am just guessing.
I was thinking about your last stanza since yesterday and I am not still sure what you meen
maybe your muse feasts on the words to fill the voids?
or better yet your muse has thousand eyes?

Scattered
are my thoughts
like spilled pop corn

They stare
even mock
my puzzled look

My muse
has hundreds
mouths to talk

Think about it, is it close to your thought?

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Thanks IRiz

You are absolutely right with the perception and the changes you proposed are spot on and therefore accepted in the edits....

Thanks and regards...

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Think about it, no rush.

Think about it, no rush.
The vowels form a pattern like colors in the painting.
Look where are all your O
Maybe you want another O at the end and use the word talk.
That way you return the power to the beginning emphasizing and connecting the words thought and talk.
Speak emphasizes spilled. Is it what you want?
Maybe. Let me know what do you think.

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

based on the explanation

based on the explanation given by you IRiz..."Talk" makes a lot more sense/impact now than "Speak"...

Thanks again for your time, read and backing up your suggestion with an explanation which is what is expected from a workshop..