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This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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A Love (Sunku)

Hold me
I may fall
Could it be love?

Forget
Those that fail
Look in my eyes

Inside
I am whole
Please fly with me

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Love this form it keeps me busy!!

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UK, GBR

Favorite Poets: Wordsworth, and most I have read., This month My pic is a modern painting of a Sparrow that I have decoupaged, The artist was not mentioned but many thanks to the one that made the original..

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Comments

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Yet another gem!

Yet another gem!
I feel like a greedy collector,
I enjoy reading it.
Two things to consider, only if you would like to do so.

The first stanza is brilliant!

In the second stanza consider saying "look IN my eyes" as an invitation to fall there, what do you think?

To be consistent with logic consider replacing "let me fly" by "fly with me". What do you think?

hold me
I may fall
could it be love?

forget
those that fail
look in my eyes

inside
I am whole
please fly with me

Sparrow

Sparrow

7 years 4 months ago

Irene

Thank you for you edits I have completed them as suggested, I even tried to compile this one to your three ways for each stanza,
Have a lovely evening,
Yours Ian.x