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Feb 19, 2018
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This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
A Love (Sunku)
Hold me
I may fall
Could it be love?
Forget
Those that fail
Look in my eyes
Inside
I am whole
Please fly with me
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Love this form it keeps me busy!!
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
IRiz
7 years 4 months ago
Yet another gem!
Yet another gem!
I feel like a greedy collector,
I enjoy reading it.
Two things to consider, only if you would like to do so.
The first stanza is brilliant!
In the second stanza consider saying "look IN my eyes" as an invitation to fall there, what do you think?
To be consistent with logic consider replacing "let me fly" by "fly with me". What do you think?
hold me
I may fall
could it be love?
forget
those that fail
look in my eyes
inside
I am whole
please fly with me
Sparrow
7 years 4 months ago
Irene
Thank you for you edits I have completed them as suggested, I even tried to compile this one to your three ways for each stanza,
Have a lovely evening,
Yours Ian.x