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Jul 14, 2024
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Pass Through The First Death
Under the same sun and air
We are muzzled like ox as we tread out the grains
Our necks are stiffed like burdens of cattle,
In the flame grass, the oak, everywhere we go.
Under the fine rain, thick cloud, the chilly wind,
We listen to their whistles with the strokes of rod that refines our body,
As we are passing through our first death;
We stare at the birds flying by
Because they appear so free;
There are still words left unsaid
When we travel far than the calling sounds.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: The poem centers on the poet suffering with his people by the evaders.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
11 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Pass Through The First Death" evokes a sense of confinement and restriction through vivid imagery and metaphorical language. The comparison of humans to muzzled oxen and burdened cattle creates a powerful image of oppression and subjugation. The use of nature elements like flame grass, oak, rain, and wind adds to the atmosphere of struggle and hardship.
The theme of passing through a metaphorical "first death" is intriguing and suggests a journey or transformation. The mention of listening to whistles and feeling the strokes of a rod that refines the body hints at a process of purification or growth through adversity. The contrast between the constrained human experience and the freedom symbolized by birds in flight is poignant and thought-provoking.
One suggestion for improvement could be to further develop the idea of passing through the first death and explore its implications or consequences in more detail. Additionally, considering the pacing and structure of the poem to enhance the flow of ideas and emotions could help strengthen the overall impact
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Mr joghe
11 months 2 weeks ago
AI
Thanks
Lavender
11 months 2 weeks ago
Pass Through The First Death
Hello, Mr Joghe,
A haunting piece. The sobering title is revealing and heartbreaking, yet much of the language is quite reverent. Very moving, and well written.
Thank you so much,
L
Mr joghe
11 months 2 weeks ago
Lavender
Thank you so much for appreciating my poem. I'm looking forward to read more of your poems.