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Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Feb 21, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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SunKu 10 Workshop

SunKu

In tune
with nature
our creator

I eat
natural
live for me

unless
Almighty
vomits me out

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins, Shakespeare, , Emily Dickinson, , , Whitman, Jess Tapper

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Hello Barbara,

Hello Barbara,
Not sure about whether theological aspects appeal to me. But still the first stanza suggests that next you will be talking about things that are out of tune.

I am not sure what the second stanza is doing.
Do you really need to use a vomit metaphor?

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

7 years 4 months ago

ThNks for critique

The first stanza hints my lifestyle in tune with nature and the creator which ties in with the second stanza eat natural as vegetarian and vegan. Maybe I need to inculcate vegan message in their somehow. As for third stanza it sums up the previous two stanza in a way that denotes if i continue to eat the animals thus supporting their destruction the nature and its creator will vomit me out for lack of a better term. Any suggestions?

I work on it some to convey it better if it makes sense to you

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

7 years 4 months ago

Yes

(Vegetarian and vegan) I’m a newbie. I’ve been doing good since the total eclipse I
August last year. Goal is to gradually attain vegan status only.

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

the pleasure is mine, i am

the pleasure is mine, i am learning to accept new poetic styles.
i am conservative in my taste and find difficult to learn new things.