lonlyhrtsclub13

Feb 23, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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Sunku 2

The moon
Waxing, waning
In and out

Mood swing
With tide
High and low

Your feelings
Toward me
Fade in and out

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison, Rudyard Kipling, Hermann Hesse, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Jack London, Stephen King, there are many more....

Comments

Geezer

7 years 4 months ago

I have repeatedly heard...

that there are no real rules to this form. I enjoy the fluid lines here, no matter the order they are in. As a matter of fact, it seems more desirable to be able to interchange them when the need arises. I like it! ~ Gee.
.

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Thanks Gee

This has been fun. I think I may have found my form. :)

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

I agree with you.

Thank you for commenting.

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Thank you

Only took ten years of being on the site to find a form I am good at.

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Ha ha ha

Barbara Writes

7 years 4 months ago

Nice

I like how how tied the waning of the moon phases with love. Love is unstable and not as beautiful as the waxing of the moon. Love the comparison

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Thank you

The moon is one of the most beautiful bodies in our solar system. So much depends on its rise and fall. Thank you reading and connecting each verse.

raj

7 years 4 months ago

I liked the way way you have

I liked the way way you have connected mood swings with waxing and waning of moon. In stanza #2 you have mentioned Up, down and high low which mean the same. I suggest you change either of them. Let me know what you think of an alternative below

Moods swing
with the tides
High and low

Keep posting more...

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Hi Raj

Thank you. I made a small edit in the second stanza. Check it out and let me know what you think.

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Hi Carrie,

Not a big deal to make a suggestion to a friend. I noted the small change you have made which read better.

I feel "Mood Swing" is more appropriate because it goes back and forth like a swing of the pendulum, whereas shift is like the shift of the course of a river. Just my opinion

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

change made

I like how it sounds as well.

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Your Sunku sounds like

Your Sunku sounds like change itself if it were to have sound,
it reminds me ocean waves.
Thank you for a great contribution to the workshop.