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Feb 24, 2018
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This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
Sunku 4
Foggy night
Cold town
Broken car
Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Ruby lips
Pulls up
To assist
Unexpected
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Hi Carrrie
Good sequence of events creating images of the encounter. I could sense you feeling limitations of Sunku to complete the story in 3 stanzas. That's the real challenge. May for the same theme you could think out of box to fit it in 3 stanzas. I will revisit and see if it can be done.
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 4 months ago
change made
How do you like it
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Thumbs up for the effort,
Thumbs up for the effort, wasn't easy
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Usage of words in the first
Usage of words in the first stanza hold a lot of hidden meaning aptly describing the mood, whereas the second stanza expresses hope and the third about realism ...this is how I read your poem..
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 4 months ago
Yes
She pulls up to give him a ride, he is hopeful and relieved..doesn't realize it is his last ride.
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Yep
that's the killer part of the poem i referred as realism [bitter sweet]
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 4 months ago
The dark muse
Has awakened
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Keep it alive Carrie
Keep it alive Carrie
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Carrie
Darkness
lends voice
to solitude
Guilt
redemption
vengence
Places
we can walk
in seclusion
-----------------------
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 4 months ago
Love this
Captures the darkness so well
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Thanks Carrie
Good to know you loved the Sunku inspired by exchange of comments on your Sunku
Looking forward to more posts from you ..
IRiz
7 years 4 months ago
I would end with one word
I would end with one word
unexpected
Let the reader imagine what happened.
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 4 months ago
Iriz
Thank you. Change has been made and thank you for introducing this form to me. I am finding less is better and leaves room for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Thank you again.
IRiz
7 years 4 months ago
It is my honor.
It is my honor.
weirdelf
7 years 4 months ago
I hope you are starting to see how the
2/3/4 syllable form works, this doesn't so much.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1QYskWe4L1N