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This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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Sunku 4

Foggy night
Cold town
Broken car

Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Ruby lips

Pulls up
To assist
Unexpected

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison, Rudyard Kipling, Hermann Hesse, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Jack London, Stephen King, there are many more....

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Hi Carrrie

Good sequence of events creating images of the encounter. I could sense you feeling limitations of Sunku to complete the story in 3 stanzas. That's the real challenge. May for the same theme you could think out of box to fit it in 3 stanzas. I will revisit and see if it can be done.

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

change made

How do you like it

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Usage of words in the first

Usage of words in the first stanza hold a lot of hidden meaning aptly describing the mood, whereas the second stanza expresses hope and the third about realism ...this is how I read your poem..

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Yes

She pulls up to give him a ride, he is hopeful and relieved..doesn't realize it is his last ride.

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Yep

that's the killer part of the poem i referred as realism [bitter sweet]

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

The dark muse

Has awakened

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Carrie

Darkness
lends voice
to solitude

Guilt
redemption
vengence

Places
we can walk
in seclusion
-----------------------

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Love this

Captures the darkness so well

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Thanks Carrie

Good to know you loved the Sunku inspired by exchange of comments on your Sunku

Looking forward to more posts from you ..

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 4 months ago

Iriz

Thank you. Change has been made and thank you for introducing this form to me. I am finding less is better and leaves room for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Thank you again.