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Feb 27, 2018
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This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
Sunku 9
Lonely
In a room
Even when not
Time
Moving slow
Empty walls
Drift apart
Daunted
Unknown
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
Great poem!
Great poem!
I am thinking about the last stanza.
Haiku has often unexpected and surprising ending.
Maybe we should use this approach in Sunku as well.
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 3 months ago
Maybe
I tried hard with this one to stay in form. How did I do?
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
Lonely
Lonely
In a room
Even when not
This stanza is brilliant , love it
For the second one , try this maybe?
Time moves
slowly
Empty walls
We drift
apart and
still connected
OR
Time moves
slowly
we drift apart
It hurts
because we
are connected
Or for the third stanza
We are
on a bitter
side of love
For the name maybe I suggest
bitterness?
Rula
7 years 3 months ago
Sunku or not
A little gem. I really enjoyed it.
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 3 months ago
I am trying
To work on the form but glad the read was enjoyable
raj
7 years 3 months ago
Carrie
Well... from what i read ...one is allowed to compromise to an extent in the syllabi count. You have in fact not exceeded but shortened it...
.....
lonlyhrtsclub13
7 years 3 months ago
I wasn't sure
If we could mix syllables around. I thought it was very uniformed
raj
7 years 3 months ago
Carrie
That's what I read somewhere...not sure....checkout with IRiz/Weirdelf
.....