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Feb 23, 2018
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This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
winter ride
back home
winter wind
left bristle-burns
content
safe and warm
still carry cold storms
my veins
remember
and miss the thrill
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
7 years 4 months ago
Even
Even
tense moments
leave a trail
Theme parks
are nerve rankling
yet full of fun
I miss
the noise
of roller coaster
.........................
IRiz
7 years 4 months ago
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem.
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem. Thank you for you poetic reply.
raj
7 years 4 months ago
"trail" in the sense of
"trail" in the sense of fading memories..
lovedly
7 years 4 months ago
sunku awakens lovedlu
sunku
awakens
lovedluly
ensure
charity
commences
likely
lovers do
merrily woohoo
(howz the syllables count poetree)
fink555
7 years 3 months ago
i
i
think
this
was a lovely
powem
lol seriously I'd leave out "still" and you'd have a fantastic mood piece here.
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
Shall I use yet instead of
Shall I use yet instead of still?
fink555
7 years 3 months ago
Yes
I think yet has a more assonantal rhythm to it than "still", though generally I love the word "still".
I think it would be a definite improvement. But only my opinion.
Best
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
Why do you suggest to remove
Why do you suggest to remove still?
valene
7 years 3 months ago
like it IRiz...
...but it's fractured.
even with such a segmented form as this,
it has to flow, does it not question mark.
sorry, shift key knackered. smiley face.
v
x
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
I don't know
I don't know
valene
7 years 3 months ago
well, if you don't...
...how am i supposed to help.
give me some feed to feed me.
v
x
fink555
7 years 3 months ago
Because--
Because it really doesn't work in a syllabic sense. Doesn't sound good. "Yet" is soft, fleeting, and adds a musicality to it
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
:)
:)
IRiz
7 years 3 months ago
:)
:)
fink555
7 years 3 months ago
Yeah
Maybe I could make my smiley face is a little bigger there! Don't know the app.
Gosh darn.
Pax