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This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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winter ride

back home
winter wind
left bristle-burns

content
safe and warm
still carry cold storms

my veins
remember
and miss the thrill

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Even

Even
tense moments
leave a trail

Theme parks
are nerve rankling
yet full of fun

I miss
the noise
of roller coaster
.........................

lovedly

lovedly

7 years 4 months ago

sunku awakens lovedlu

sunku
awakens
lovedluly

ensure
charity
commences

likely
lovers do
merrily woohoo

(howz the syllables count poetree)

fink555

fink555

7 years 3 months ago

i

i

think

this

was a lovely
powem
lol seriously I'd leave out "still" and you'd have a fantastic mood piece here.

fink555

fink555

7 years 3 months ago

Yes

I think yet has a more assonantal rhythm to it than "still", though generally I love the word "still".

I think it would be a definite improvement. But only my opinion.

Best

V

valene

7 years 3 months ago

like it IRiz...

...but it's fractured.
even with such a segmented form as this,
it has to flow, does it not question mark.

sorry, shift key knackered. smiley face.

v
x

fink555

fink555

7 years 3 months ago

Because--

Because it really doesn't work in a syllabic sense. Doesn't sound good. "Yet" is soft, fleeting, and adds a musicality to it

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 3 months ago

:)

:)

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 3 months ago

:)

:)

fink555

fink555

7 years 3 months ago

Yeah

Maybe I could make my smiley face is a little bigger there! Don't know the app.

Gosh darn.

Pax