wit

Interesting theme and poem structure. Shorthand poetry writing works well for you. I'm not sure who or what 'wit' is. The coughing and coffin clearly bring your subject to life. Great rhyming. The logic I think is sound.
"Wit is dead, cough then is alive told to strive. "Flows well.
Welcome to Neopoet. Hope you find poetic bliss. We are a family of poets helping each other become better writers and storytellers.

It was late and my comment seems incoherent lol let revise it.

greatest line I've read lately!
having grown up with spaghetti
westerns
Pine I think...

cigarettes from soil where forests
once stood

a great short poem
Thrive..
Alive...

good scheme.

Thank You!

I'm not sure that I would classify this as poetry at all by any standards

I get the use of slang but is it so difficult that lines sentences etc cannot be properly written out. Yo asked for the raw truth , and that is what I have given you.

indent for "coughing"
periods to stretch out the pauses

more formal then me even..
the dropped letters indicative of
the modern hand held gen
probably what happened to our
language when it went from
just being spoken orally to
one another and town criers
to the fully functioning
newpapers..the bible
etc..

Welcome to the site. I'm not sure I'd call this a
poem either, it could be the beginning of one.

If you expect to be taken seriously, write your words.
Hone your craft. If you use an abbreviation like yr(short for
year not yer or your) it shows your lack of enthusiasm for your
own poem, how then could you expect an enthusiastic read?

The best line is the // in your everyday coffin //. It is an abstract
metaphor with great potential, my advice would be to use it to
finish this poem while giving a clue as to what the coffin describes.

Sorry if the critique seems harsh but I believe a push is what we
all need from time to time.

Welcome again to the site,

Richard

I like that about this work...
that it isnt....
and at first...I was like..wtf...

like painting..abstract
style..a sound..

and the young..Im talking nineteen and
around there by ten years
from the local tribe of cohorts

I saw from my parents why they hated
the use of "Hey man" god they hated
the hippies...they both worked...

I was the gen not of the hippies
nor the beat....
the Lost gen if you ask me

and then cell phones came along
and many people use these rather
then just write on laptops which are
expensive..you need wi fii batteries
crap out or library.....
and texting like tweeting is strict in
how much you can write..
Tweeting is really teaching me to just
throw my dart and sit and read..
wait a turn..

Fundamental and enthusiasm
I like these words..
they are important
and how we elders
see a lot of the new crowd

but myself I like the abbreviations
i used to draw with crayons
do sketches of people
now its with the Parker
Shameless plug and I use
and Android Phone LG
long battery life
great phones..older and clunky

I now know what a Caret is
which somewhere is a facet too
in my head..an angle
but I could be wrong
just linking diamonds with density

the correct formal use of the
punctuations
to me thats a tell

Great comments!!

still like the last line..
doesnt say live..
doesnt say die..

says Thrive!!!!!!!
positive!
in a grunt way

I relate well to this!

Thank You!

I too like the comments. I think many are to the point and from both sides of the discussion: whether or not this is poetry.
I am a traditionalist who likes my sonnets and triolets, so you might guess I would consider this less than poetry. This does not mean the work has no point. In fact it comes across quite easily, but I feel that the basis of poetry is in the elegance of the language and this is too sparse.
We look forward to seeing different sides of your poetic personality.

most welcome to Neopoet.
I simply don't accept txt abbreviations as poetry. Not because I am old fashioned or recalcitrant to change but because it lacks clarity of meaning and further, I think is fucking lazy. It's fair enough in txt msgs on a mobile/cell phone, it is not ok in poetry.
The use of words is the closest thing we have to magic and txt abbreviations denigrate that power.
Use real words to express real meaning and emotion.

it's radical - it's good to be alive - it's ok by me